Well, it has been awhile since I have been able to write or had any motivation to do so. Part of being strong is being able to pull yourself from the depths of hell and still stand on two feet (ha!), or in my case one.
It’s currently one day away from it being one month since I fell…. again….. literally. I have been wallowing in self misery since. I have been searching for whys… why me, yes thank you Nancy Kerrigan for that line :). Anyway, why…. why ,am I in this place again, what is the lesson this time, what is the universe trying to scream at me to understand that I am apparently not getting, why does it seem that history is yet again repeating itself, what am I not getting? It had been 8 months, to the day, since I fell and fractured my foot the first time. Exactly 8 months to the day I did it again, but worse, a dislocation and three fractures.
So I still struggle with the WHY. The day before I fell I was furious with work. I felt under appreciated, over extended and under paid. It was brought to my attention to look at this “break” as a time of reflection and maybe with my absence they will learn to appreciate me or maybe something else will come of this. I must say, I’m not too optimistic with that thought. I believe work is a lot like a marriage and while there will be a shift or change for a little bit, unless all parties are willing to communicate, it will always go back.
Maybe we can’t break it down as to a few reasons WHY this happened maybe it’s more of a collective viewpoint. A Break is defined as 1. seperate or cause to seperate into pieces as a result of a blow, shock or strain. 2. interrupt (a continunity, sequence or course). 3. A pause in work or during an activity or event. Dislocation is defined as: Disturbance from a proper, original or usual place or state. Both of which need time and rest to fully heal and be meneded. Starting anew, again.
Maybe this is about clearing away all that has happened in the past to make me even stronger for the future, to make me really appreciate all my family and friends (including co-workers) who support me and also make me see who does not have my best interests at heart. Maybe this is to help me delve deeper into my own self introspection and discovery and fully love myself, the person I have become and also confront the dark sides of myself. Maybe this is about work and a job that I devoted myself to, is not really the best place for me. Maybe this is also a continuation and a reminder to me that no matter how far or hard I fall (ha!) I am and still will always continue to be that strong, independent, powerful woman and still no man or woman can take that from me.
I will never have the answer when I want it. It may all come together months from now and I will have that “AH HA” moment. This very well could be my own crossroads for the moment and what I choose to do with it is all within my hands. So as of today I need to pull myself up and stop wallowing. Yes being home all day sucks but It could be a lot worse, I could be in a hosptial or under a bridge with no one and nothing.
and so the journey continues… until next time.