The Journey of a Butterfly

Well, it has been awhile since I have been able to write or had any motivation to do so. Part of being strong is being able to pull yourself from the depths of hell and still stand on two feet (ha!), or in my case one.

It’s currently one day away from it being one month since I fell…. again….. literally.  I have been wallowing in self misery since. I have been searching for whys… why me, yes thank you Nancy Kerrigan for that line :). Anyway, why…. why ,am I in this place again, what is the lesson this time, what is the universe trying to scream at me to understand that I am apparently not getting, why does it seem that history is yet again repeating itself, what am I not getting?  It had been 8 months, to the day, since I fell and fractured my foot the first time. Exactly 8 months to the day I did it again, but worse, a dislocation and three fractures.

So I still struggle with the WHY. The day before I fell I was furious with work. I felt under appreciated, over extended and under paid. It was brought to my attention to look at this “break” as a time of reflection and maybe with my absence they will learn to appreciate me or maybe something else will come of this. I must say, I’m not too optimistic with that thought. I believe work is a lot like a marriage and while there will be a shift or change for a little bit, unless all parties are willing to communicate, it will always go back.

Maybe we can’t break it down as to a few reasons WHY this happened maybe it’s more of a collective viewpoint. A Break is defined as 1. seperate or cause to seperate into pieces as a result of a blow, shock or strain. 2. interrupt (a continunity, sequence or course). 3. A pause in work or during an activity or event. Dislocation is defined as: Disturbance from a proper, original or usual place or state. Both of which need time and rest to fully heal and be meneded. Starting anew, again.

Maybe this is about clearing away all that has happened in the past to make me even stronger for the future, to make me really appreciate all my family and friends  (including co-workers) who support me and also make me see who does not have my best interests at heart. Maybe this is to help me delve deeper into my own self introspection and discovery and fully love myself, the person I have become and also confront the dark sides of myself. Maybe this is about work and a job that I devoted myself to, is not really the best place for me. Maybe this is also a continuation and a reminder to me that no matter how far or hard I fall (ha!) I am and still will always continue to be that strong, independent, powerful woman and still no man or woman can take that from me.

I will never have the answer when I want it. It may all come together months from now and I will have that “AH HA” moment. This very well could be my own crossroads for the moment and what I choose to do with it is all within my hands. So as of today I need to pull myself up and stop wallowing. Yes being home all day sucks but It could be a lot worse, I could be in a hosptial or under a bridge with no one and nothing.

and so the journey continues… until next time.

Old movies like an An Affair to Remember, Casablanca or This Time Next Year are classics, which I love.  Every romantic wants to think there are love affairs in real life that are portrayed in these movies, or really any romantic movie. However, in real life Affairs…. whether you are married, single or in them for two months or two years, are not what they appear. They involve manipulation,  lying, hiding and living double lives. All of this can be gut wrenching and emotionally draining.

Affairs start out simple, almost as if in a “courting stage”.  Actually, tune into the Discovery Channel, it is completely similar to the mating rituals of animals.   Yes, there are things each party will do to woo the other.  It starts out by the Predator testing the waters with its desired Prey, to see if they are interested, sparking a conversation, a smile, feigning interest in what the other likes. Literally planting seeds in your mind so when you step away from that person you are left thinking about them. I remember when I was being pursued, I was actually naive enough to believe a man could have a friendship with me that was strictly platonic. He found out I  am an animal person and proceeded to tell me that he would put his dogs medicine in cream cheese because the consistence was better. Wouldn’t you know it about a week later I’m grocery shopping, in the dairy section, looking at cream cheese thinking about him. MOTHERFUCKER!!! That was it, he had successfully entered my psyche! You then realize this and try to resist the thoughts of him for the rest of the weekend however as hard as you try to forget about him, oh no, your subconscious mind will not let you escape those thoughts. Then on Monday morning you have a message from him waiting for you… simple “How was your weekend”. Not much effort, so you think “why not talk to him, he is inquiring it, it would be rude”. So you proceed to have small talk. As any normal conversation happens personal details about you come out, which is more ammo for his seduction arsenal.

Now, the Prey is not completely innocent because you think “I got this, I can handle these conversations… it’s nothing”. I offer up one word…. DENIAL!  This small talk then snowballs and you start thinking “wow this person is really taking an interest in me, they are sweet and handsome. So different from other men. Yeah he is married but his relationship is like mine, we get each other.” You are now a fly caught in the Venus Flytrap.

The next step is, in this digital age, is to take your affair to a private messaging app. That is where things escalate and quickly! They will message you all day long, literally priming you for insertion, hahahaha. You participate and before you know it your actually kissing him for the first time in an elevator, an alley, a car, dressing room or even a hotel room. It seems like all hearts and roses in the beginning. Then months (or even years later) they start to put distance between you and them. No more sweet messages. No, by now it’s all about them, their needs and everything has to be done on their time. Long gone are the days of “we get each other”. No now it has turned into an emotional rollercoaster for you. You have fallen in love with a narcissistic man and literally don’t know how to get out of this tornado.  He will take you off the shelf, dust you off and play with you when he wants  and then puts you back on it. You start to think “is it me… what is wrong with me”. He will tell you to stop being “dramatic” and will take each of your weaknesses and use them against you. He knows your hooked on him and therefore believes you will not leave him. When you do start to show signs of putting distance between yourself and him, he will do something sweet or say he needs you or your help  because he knows you will move mountains to save him. Eventually, because the powers that be intervene, you find out that not only was he sleeping with you for two years but he was sleeping with someone else and who knows how many other people. You’ve been played.

After finding this out you  learn from your mistakes  because  you are a strong, independent, powerful woman and no man can or will do this to you again!

and so the journey continues… until next time.

Ok, so technology is pissing me off, haha. I just had this whole thing composed and my laptop went crazy and deleted it. 😞Ok so this will be all one looooong paragraph. So I woke up this morning with little to no motivation, it is the effect after having a monster migraine the night. when I looked at my messages on my phone and saw one from a friend I will call Little C, it made me laugh becuase it was a continuation of the conversation she started with me last night, however in my fuzzy mental state I was confused as to what she was talking about when I saw a message that said ” at first I was afraid, I was petrified”. I kind of thought she was crazy. In the wee hours of the morning it dawned on me to what she was referring to in her text. SO, in typical me fashion I sent her back a text with the next line of the song, at midnight. After I got off the phone with morning and saw her response to my message and it said “YES!” it made me laugh and instantly. That YES provided me with energy. I, again in typical me fashion, sent her the song, which I currently have playing over and over and over right now. This song was a song that a best friend and I used to send to each other when we were in our late teens and 20’s, so besides having a very strong empowering message behind it, it also brings me back to my youth and it reminds me that no matter what happens in life, even when the tower falls, however that resonates with you, Everyone will survive. So while this is short and sweet today, this is dedicated to my wonderful Little C, for when I did not feel well she sent a line and it brought me back to life today. She shines brighter then most even on dark days and for that I am so thankful she is a part of my crazy life. Love you Little C. And so the journey continues…. until next time.

Ok, so it has taken me a week to get this account fully set up.   Create a blog, they said, it will be therapeutic they said!  Actually its not so bad, I just need to carve out the time to sit down and have a quiet moment with myself. If you knew me you would know these moments are far and few. I am a 38 year old divorced female who works in government, owns a small home and has 4 dogs, a bird and a squirrel. The dogs of which are throwing a fit at this very moment because in the Northeast we have reached a high of 47 degrees today, which means the neighborhood children are out and that drives my dogs nuts 🙂 There is never a dull moment in my life.

So, I don’t know who or, if  anyone, out there is going to read this and that is ok with me, this is cathartic for me. If anyone should choose to read this, I am not a professional. haha. The past few years have been eye opening. I went from a bad emotionally abusive marriage, to a long emotionally abusive affair (please keep your comments and judgments to yourself, walk a mile in someone else’s shoes), getting my first home alone, going through an unnecessarily long divorce, searching for myself  with the help of my sister wives (our name for each other), dating….dating…. dating. Then the last man I dated of 2018 left me with a huge life altering change. Which caused me to declare 2019 the year of no men! That remains to be seen but thus far we are a month in and I am all about the self love, all of it. Please know if you knew me you would know that there are usually some kind of naughty undertone or sarcasm when I phrase things like that. I do try to find some kind of fun in anything I say or do.

Besides being the female Dr. Doolittle and working at a desk all day long, I do love photography. This is my heart and soul. The photos on this page are my work and over time, like my entries, they will grow and more layers of who I am, what I have gone through or what I am going through will be exposed. And so the journey continues…. Until next time. 🙂

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton